Blog archive March 2025
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13.03.25 / 01 / review
Viewing the body is a necessary duty, for saying goodbye perhaps, but also for checking that everything is in order. I needed to see what she was wearing, since she hadn't had her better clothes in the care home. Sure enough, the outfit had to be changed. I put together a selection from her best clothes as she would wear to church or a dinner, smart florals and pink, avoiding plain black as too funereal. Her Mothers Union cross brooch as finishing touch.
Today I saw the body again in the good clothes. Much better - she looks like herself again (she hasn't looked like herself for a long time). Did some final adjustments to the scarf and brooch myself until it was right - the way she would wear them. Kissed my fingers and touched them to her forehead. And then said goodbye, or goodnight. I felt simultaneously upset and very happy. As I left a great burden lifted from me - my job is done. I can bury her with a light heart now.
Back in Ealing now for a bit (and to talk to 22 Swiss pastors on Saturday about Grace!)
07.03.25 / 01 / mum dies
Mum died at 5am today. I took the call at 5:19am, tangled up in a sleeping bag on the sofa in pitch dark with no lamp and no clock. I was disappointed more than surprised, I had hoped to be there. All I had to do was tell the care home the name of the undertaker - no problem since it was the same as for Dad. There was no point in waking the others, and I obviously couldn't go back to sleep, so I made a cup of tea (of course) and spent the time reading up what to do when someone dies - all the legal processes. Of course she died at 5am, I thought - so did Dad, it's the low point.
At 12:30pm the funeral director visited to discuss arrangements. We knew what we wanted already. Funeral service at the parish church, burial in the town cemetery, solid oak coffin, all as done for Dad. For bureaucratic and family reasons it would be in a month's time. Ownership of my parents' grave had now passed to me, without paperwork, as if by magic. I was bemused. Everything else takes weeks, or months.
So now begins a whirlwind of stuff - telling family and others, fixing the funeral time and date with the church, the order of service, the flowers, the tribute, the refreshments. Waiting on the medical practitioner to tell me the cause of death, and the registrar to summon me to register the death and get death certificates. Talking to the solicitors, finding the will. Telling the bank and utilities and government agencies. Most of which can't be done until we have the death certificates in a week or two.
06.03.25 / 01 / waiting
The moment I walked into the room I knew she was dying. Skeletal, blueish and yellowish skin, unconscious or asleep, moving around in bed but not aware. There is no way back from this.
My brothers arrived a couple of hours later. There was nothing we could do except watch, so we talked, with part of our attention always on Mum. Periodically she would go silent and still and our focus would shift to her, and then she would breathe or move again. She might die in a minute, or in a few days. Since she was no longer eating or drinking it was only going to be two days at most. It didn't feel possible to stay overnight, as would have been easy in a hospital, so we went home mid-evening to return in the morning.
05.03.25 / 01 / alert
Today I had calls from the care home, a paramedic and their doctor 14:45 and after. Mum is barely responsive - she was OK in the morning but went downhill. There are several possible causes - infection, blood salts, Alzheimers. It’s hard to know.
We agreed to try antibiotics over the next few days. If they don’t work she may be dying. She will be treated in the care home because she’s more comfortable there and has better personal care. The paramedics' doctor said that hospital doctors like to ‘investigate’ which can be uncomfortable or distressing - I know but am amazed to hear it admitted!
The doctor advised me to be there inside 48 hours in case it’s her last few days. I took the advice, messaged my brothers and came across the country this evening. Will visit tomorrow morning.
01.03.25 / 01 / a baby now
Mum today wasn’t really interacting with me. She didn’t show any interest when I appeared. She was just napping or looking at the TV. When she spoke it didn’t make any sense. She had wet herself badly and had be taken upstairs to be changed before tea. I mostly fed her because she was slumping and zoning out. I did get almost all the food into her.
While making little effort to eat the food for herself, she kept trying to eat her cardigan, her blanket and her hands. She bit and tugged quite hard at the cardigan and blanket. I was concerned she would bite her hands hard too. It was like a baby putting things in its mouth. She kind of is a baby now.
